About a year ago I had a debate on the proper intelligence of zombies. The argument against intelligent zombies was, "How could they have any intelligence, they are undead!". I, of course, quickly rose to the defense of our mortally challenged brethrenand will now explore the topic in detail.
To accurately determine the level of intelligence that a zombie can possess, you must first determine what a zombie is. The core beliefs, or the marrow, if you will.
A zombie, in the old days, was believed to be a recently deceased body that was controlled by a voodoo priestess using magic. We know that this isn't true because magic doesn't exist, and anyone who thinks it does is just plain silly. Modern science has proposed that these were actually drugged people who had no will of their own and were often thought of as the walking dead due to the slow, uncontrolled movements caused by near total loss of motor functions.
Professor G. Romero, the leading expert in Zombology, proved in his 1960's documentary that zombies are actually reanimated corpses. The method of the re-animation process has yet to be pinned down, and is likely caused in a variety of ways. The most popular theory is a virus, yet two camps exist within the virus school of thought: the reanimation of dead cells and behavioral modification of the living. The latter causes the complete loss of civility and self preservation in a still living carrier but are still considered zombies. This is due to the fact that the host has been lost completely and the infected gain symptoms of carnivorous hunger for human flesh and a nearly inexhaustible supply of adrenaline being continuously fed to the body. Those affected with this form of virus have been seen to posses bursts of inhuman strength and speed, but have not shown any extra resilience against attacks.
The more controversial, but more common theory, is the re-animation of formerly deceased cells. These zombies are all but unstoppable due to the inability to feel pain. It has been proven that these zombies require a constant supply of living tissue to be combined with the rotting flesh of the host zombie, often leaving the human donor alive. The starter cells left by a zombie bite can quickly create a new zombie from the human, much in the same way friendship bread is made.
The most common way to stop a zombie of any kind is the removal of the head from the body, or the destruction of the brain. This leads me into my most important point, zombies require a brain to live.
If zombies were controlled by an alien host, or a network of nano robots, the brain would be bypassed, but the fact that the loss of the brain disables zombies proves that some intelligence exists. When the zombie takes control, it is able to move, gains limited control of vocal chords, and has extreme sensitivity to sound and smell. It is possible that the brain is limited to the functions of an animal, but since the virus isn't acting as a controlling parasite imposing these limitations, it is much more likely that the intelligence of zombie is only limited by the original owner of the brain.
I'm not proposing that people are just getting flu like symptoms, and deciding to go on a cannibalistic rampage. What I do think is once a zombie is able to push beyond the feral hunger, it may be possible that higher brain functions would again be accessible. The affliction would probably not allow a zombie to become literary critics or IT professionals, but it would be foolish to argue that a zombie would be unable to open a door, wield a blunt object as a weapon, or even write a best selling teen romance novel about sparkly creatures that live in the woods. None of those tasks require much in terms of intelligence, and should easily be within a zombies grasp.
The fact that this is even debated shows how much farther we have to go in the zombie rights struggle. When the stubborn anti-zombites finally open there eyes, they will see that zombies can be active members of societies. We can help zombies reach there potential by removing the societal limitation we currently impose them with. I am sure that I have seen zombies acting in everyday roles, like telemarketing and certainly upper management in the past. I even know a guy who roomed with a zombie in college. It wasn't always perfect, but when is it?
Why must zombies hide who they are to be treated as equals? It seems to me that we are forgetting that this struggle was fought for a different group only a few years ago. Cavemen were once seen as the simple minded buffoons without feelings that they are, but through a series of strategic PR moves, they now can be seen eating in restaurants or working in accounting with corner offices because 'the company looks better if they diversify'. Bastards.
I don't condone hiring a PR company to change the minds of the public. The public needs to come to this realization on their own terms. Zombies already show tremendous intelligence when combating large enemies. When have you last heard of a government that didn't crumble once the zombies start rallying? The fastest way to prove that zombies are intelligent, is to have them compete in a contest against something perceived as intelligent. Human competitors would not work because of the obvious bias and 'survival instinct', but I see no reason that zombies shouldn't be faced off with the second smartest creature on earth. No, I'm not suggesting zombies compete against dolphins, the Chicken King of the Sea. I mean the new runner up: Cavemen.
It's only fair for cavemen to prove they deserve their new spot in society. We could set up a stage, with an audience, and panel of judges, an make them answer a series of questions. Maybe it should be an array of tests, such as singing, and talent competitions as well. If one of the contestants happens gets eaten, the remaining species would win by default. We'll pick one random representative of each. I'll start. Oh, what a coincidence, I picked Jim 'I have TWO windows at my new desk, and my company car has built in satellite radio' Baker from accounting. I'm sure he'll do just fine.
I hope this has at least made you think the next time you are running for your life from a hoard of brainthirsty zombies, that each one of those zombies has the ability to reason, file your taxes and potentially contains the capacity to love. Stick that in your double barrel and unload it into your brains.
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